i saw you today and said ‘hey’
but what i meant was:

‘holyhell, you’re beautiful. you look like sunshine trapped in mason jars and fireflies stuck in moonbeams. you have a smile that punches straight to the spinal cord, did you know that? i just spent the last five seconds rebooting my heart, training my lungs how to breathe again. exhale, inhale. it should be simple but you’ve snarled it all in a giant mess. i’m unwinding the ball of yarn into a straight jacket and you’re as unaffected as the sea. i’d say i’m a boat but i’m hardly as sturdy. i’m a feather. it’s almost funny how little a chance i have of staying afloat. i’m soaked and matted and sinking into the undertow. and you’re just churning on and on and on.’

+

i saw you today and said ‘how have you been?’
but what i meant was:

‘have you lost as much sleep as i have? i’ve spent 3256 hours trying to piece together the exact curves that make your eyes better than every other homo sapien out there and i’m still sitting at the start line with nothing but a frown and a blank sheet of paper. i’m tired. are you? i’m barely treading water here, carry the conversation a little, throw me a bone. great, look what you’re making me do, i’m mixing metaphors now. my thoughts are like those rubber balls that bounce everywhere except where you want them to go. i’m so busy chasing after them that i’m forgetting to focus on standing up straight. oh. shit. i think i need a cane.’

+

i saw you today and said ‘i haven’t seen you in forever’
but what i meant was:

‘i’ve seen you, but it wasn’t with these eyes. you’ve been playing tag with my sanity, running from behind the corners of memories and diving into the dark pools of my insecurity. still waters run deep. hah. you’ve been on my most wanted list and i haven’t been able to pin you in a corner. you’ve slipped through the cracks and i’ve been chasing you with a moth-eaten butterfly net. if i could only catch you, waldo, i’d stick you in a box and get some peace of mind. but, no, you’re having too much fun tying me up in knots.’

+

i saw you today and said ‘yeah, we should hang out sometime’
but what i meant was:

‘let’s get married. just kidding. but no, let’s fall in love. let’s fall out of ordinary. i think we could be something magical. i don’t know if i believe in magic but i believe in you. that has to mean something, right? you smell like the ocean and dust, that can’t be right but i can’t think of another way to describe it. no one smells like you do. pheromones? something like that, but you’ve got me hook, line and sinker. you’re like diet coke on summer days and clam chowder in the winter. so right it hurts. so perfect nothing could ever top it. except ginger ale and mac and cheese. but i imagine you’re like that too.’

+

i saw you today and said ‘talk to you soon’
but what i meant was:

‘think of you soon. except in my mind soon means now. there is no lag, i’m already up and running with the next thought like olympic relays. trust me to not drop the baton. do you like to run? i sometimes run down my street in heels in the rain because it makes me feel like i’m in a black-and-white movie and you’re waiting for me at the railroad tracks. except i don’t live near a train station and even at night, flowers on my street are overbright. that’s okay, it’s just a thought. i’ll get a new one soon. like about how when you hugged me, my nerves seared against the backside of my skin and my tongue folded against the back of my throat. that’s a nice thought. i’ll run with it a while.’