[one] i just hope that you know that you are beautiful.
i hope when you’re looking into the mirror and are
bemoaning pale cheeks and angled eyes that you know
these are the things that make you the most breathtaking.
and when the ones you trust turn their backs, realize that
they are the ones lacking: not you. i hope you know that
you are intelligent and compassionate and all together
lovely. you are every single thing that every single person
should aspire to be.

[two] i wish you knew how i would fold at the knees like
faded denim if you weren’t there to hold me up. i wish
i had the words to tell you that you’re the one mirror i can’t
stand to look at when my own lies are fogged back into my
lungs. you’re my strength when i’m tired, you’re my comfort
when i’m crying and swearing that i’m not enough, that i’ll
never be enough. you call me brave, but i know it’s only
because i managed to swallow and borrow your courage.

[three] we are not what people like to label and call best. we
are laughing too loud in the middle of a crowd, you are
throwing me on your back and racing down the pier. we
are fighting in the middle of the restaurant and throwing
fists in the parking lot. we hug with split lips and ignore
phone calls during the middle of the day. you know i love
you, but there are times i can do nothing but hate you.

[four] if there were words, i’d tell you how you’re making me
swallow my spine. i’m driving with shaking hands and picking
up my confidence to only throw it on the concrete and let it
shatter. you’ve turned me ten times on my heel so i’m dizzy
and falling to my knees, not knowing which way to turn but
wanting to follow you anyways. you’re making my tongue swollen
and my elbows ache and i can’t find it in me to walk away.

[five] we’re sending reassurances across the phone lines, telling
each other it will be alright through cell phone screens and
blinking messages. when i’m scared, you’re letting my fears
out of the box to run out the door. and when you’re lost i’m
letting you use my eyes because maybe distance really does
offer a clearer perspective. know that i’ll always be here
for you, know i’ll never turn you away when you’re in need.

[six] when i scrape my knees, you are the first to pick me up off
the pavement. when i am standing with broken bones, you are
the first one to cast my arm and kiss my temple. you are shielding
my heart from the worst of the breaks, a fist and a steady eye
keeping me from swallowing my lungs. i don’t think i thank
you enough, but i never want you to think i don’t appreciate you.

[seven] you’re running off with my heart in your pocket. you’re
oblivious to the fact that you’ve almost ruined my chances of giving
away what you’ve so aptly tried to take and make yours. and when
you smile, you don’t seem to realize that my pulse is wound
like wires around your tongue and every time you move it’s
jump-starting my nerves in the most uncomfortable way.

[eight] when we fight, i want you to know i am acidic only
because i can see my face in yours. i want you to know that
i am slicing at you viciously only because i know that we are
both stubborn enough to take it. and when your fist is slamming
against my nose, when my words are tearing at your limbs,
i know that we are related in so many more ways than blood.

[nine] we were ruined before we had a chance. we were a sparkler
in the middle of the night, taking a few days and spinning them
into something more. we were building up laughter in steamed
breath and fingers touching angled cheekbones. we weren’t
forever, but you were teaching me the beauty of the now. you
were teaching me to take joy in seconds and not in centuries.

[ten] thank you for being there to support me when i wasn’t sure
i knew how to support myself. thank you for standing behind me
when my spine collapsed, for holding my hand when i didn’t know
where i was going. there are so many ways to say thank you and
i don’t know if i can find all the words to let you hear them all.

[eleven] i am hiding my heart and stealing it back from greedy
fingers. i am running behind locked doors and looking through
parted blinds. i know you think you can carry my heart, but i
can’t find the words to tell you no. so know i mean it when i say
i appreciate your friendship, but i can’t give you what you want.
if i could let you know, i’d let you know who already has it, who’s
stealing it from under your nose. but i don’t have the words so
just know i mean it when i say i’m sorry. trust me, i do.